StoriEnaid.

Lets follow Alice, and Alice once wrote…

An element of freedom comes with the peace that I have with my heart which is a little bit broken.

The fear for so long was to think about the brokenness, the violation. Maybe its not as bad as i thought though, its draining me slowly, but peaceful. Sometimes I have baby panic attacks, sometimes I’m angry and sometimes I’m quiet.

I’m shocked and frightened by the ability I have developed to hide everything, to camouflage the worst. And now there’s a conscience?

I’m worried that its too soon but I trust in you.

This is to trust that you have given me not just peace, but strength that surpasses all understanding.

I think the revelation of the root of it all allows the understanding to emerge that when one believes a lie then one wants the crime to fit the lie so one keeps commiting the crime.

Finally one knows that the crime creates the lie and the it is better to be restored by truth.

So its hard but Alice can be strong now because Alice’s strength is found in you, and your love is strong.

And you loved me Alice first.

Things Change

Things change.

One Day its all the same;

Voices, cries, laughter, anger, violence. peace, joy.

But they were never the same.

They change.

Emotions controlled by the environment,

disbelief in oneself; begets the emergence of anger.

A heart once pure recreates itself

into that of a rock, numb to the arrows thrown its way.

A tear to the re-created heart is deemed impossible;

as its been pierced to deeply before,

damaged to the point that any hopeful tear has no longer any hope of taking effect.

WHEN I GROW UP….

When i grow up I feel like i should want to make a difference.

This becomes a problem once i allow myself to accept that what I actually want to do is live a simple, happy little existence by the seaside and write a fictional novel. This is what i dream about when my mind wanders from the Glamour magazine I’m reading (not very subtly) behind my laptop in many an oh so interesting lecture, of which a single word i cannot recall.

In my novel i would write about the ups and downs of an individuals life but with a minor twist and ultimately a happy ending. Cliche escapism.

‘Cliche escapism’. This definition of the majority of fiction intrigues me. Fiction is a genre that hints at the need for happiness in conjunction with the want for drama in our lives.

I am curious about the difference between want and need, between drives and necessities. Im concluding that it is this tension created by lack of definition of the two that has had a hand in creating our individual cultures and worldviews, our functions and dreams and our desperation and greed.

I question the blurred line between want and need, that we have seemingly decided exists…probably because if we determined the black and white of it then the implications would be far greater than we could begin to grapple with, and what a nightmare that would be! Crikey we might actually have to try to interpret, determine or define greed? Something we shy away from questioning as surely then we’d implicate our own conscience and this surely wont do… what if we experience that 5 minutes of genuine guilt (5 mins? pushing it love…)we might actually be inspired to do something radical! To WANT to change the world!?

Oh how i mock.

Undoubtedly because i myself am experiencing the guilt as I type, and I am fairly sure posting a blog about the issue into cyberspace isn’t nearly radical enough; not even close.

A beautiful friend of mine recently informed me that in order for the west to live the way we do the rest of the world must exist in a state of poverty. Thus we basically feed of others poverty. Denying their needs for our wants, their desperation for our desires.

It could almost sound poetic if it wasn’t so sickening.

So what? My heart hurts that i dont really want to be radical, that i would live in topshop if i could, that Id drink any coffee if it tasted good despites how it came to be there. HA the irony is i managed to use ‘I’ just then enough times to show my selfish nature in its true form, to unmask it. ITS OKAY THOUGH!!! …..I get to blame it on my culture right? I mean its not my fault, right? I was born into this part of the world of which I’ve only existed for 20 years so, I’m groomed to have a hardened heart against suffering? And furthermore I’m taught to not really care about anyone but myself yes?

I thought so.

I don’t think so!

For goodness sake! This excuse gives way to the idealistic thinking of my original thought. This is issue of culture as the problem simply allows people, like myself, to care less, to act less, to think less. To consume more, to want more, to desire more;

to care less to act less to think less

I need my desire to be for the rest of the world to know that there is a hope, Im praying for this. But it feels inactive, and writing a blog doesnt really help.

But once again Im epitomising my culture by writing about the issue and not actually doing anything.

Whine Whine Whine.

Ughh, Welcome to my blog!!

I suck.

Guilty Secret: sometimes I sit in class in theology lectures and pretend i took English Lit…

Slow it down for now,

Understand what I’m saying…

My lips move, your eyes take care to hear what I’m communicating.

But, no sound rests upon you,

You can’t slow it down.

You just keep on moving.

Swift like Gazelle

Where are you?

You don’t want to know,

Analysis and Annotation

Analysis and Annotation

Slow it down for now, for now? Possible that writer wishes at some point to ‘speed up’, but int he future? To a lover? Excited for an adventure maybe…but not ready yet?

Understand what I’m saying…first person pronoun. A statement however use of ellipsis portrays it not as a command but as a desire?

My lips move, your eyes take care to hear what I’m communicating. Once again the use of first person provides evidence that the writer is writing from a personal level. It is emotive and intimate. Use of rhyming couplets ‘saying’ ‘communciating’ = a and a. Evidence of broken relationship is conveyed through ‘my’ vs. ‘your’- the brokenness is the lack of communication expressed so clearly, this is ironic.

But, no sound rests upon you,

You can’t slow it down.

You just keep on moving.

Swift like Gazelle… Use of simile, and unlikely aspect of the text, especially the comparison between animal and human, however this is very effective as it is almost like the writer is talking to an animal, for the other person is non-responsive, goes its own way, does what it wants despite what it is told, animalistic. Furthermore the reference to Gazelle is valuable in conveying the writers opinion of the other, not malicious etc.

Where are you? Where are you?

You don’t want to know,

I’ve got the key you know. Change of form and font, this is the prominent point, it is an enigma and thus creates mystery. Begs the question ‘key to what?’

In thine mere mortal self…

Harmonious tides can wash away such ideas such as love…

The idea of love that stands to be the hope of many.

Thine mere mortal self carries a torch hoping for light…

But never to be lit is the fate of such lanterns….the wicks of which are too be stone cold.

Like the vessel of ones heart also.

What vessel is this that believes in the ability to travel?

To move from one lantern to the next is nothing but tom-foolery; surely?

Why, even if the heart stays and clings to such a hope this is not a solid hope.

For in thine mere mortal self one struggles to claim another human as ones own.

For if I am weak…then so are they.

They; the other.

If weak like me should not be expected to be strong for me, for it is this that i cannot reciprocate.

So what? There is no hope in ones shallow heart?

Hmmmm….maybe harmonious tides will exceed to cover the shore of ones heart…but only for a time.

For there is one who will uncover, to discover, to make new.

There is a hope for the many that cannot find in their mere mortal self, the strength to carry on; to be strong; to understand the wrong.

To make right.

So in thine mere mortal self I have discovered that stone may turn to love. And it is this love that is to be as much of a doing word as any verb.

I can feel it now, my heart clings to another…

So I can be strong when you need me too.

10 things I want right now…

1. Marc Jacobs ‘Lola’ perfume.

2. A Cwtch.

3. The DVD ‘The Proposal’ on my shelf.

4. To never witness the smurf sex as seen on Avatar again.

5. The ability to write a best selling novel.

6. The new Blackberry Bold.

7. The ability to wake up before 10am without wanting to hurt someone a little bit.

8. The effects of the gym without going to the gym.

9. The PURPLE sunsets over the most beautiful beaches in Wales on a daily basis.

10. To travel around the world.